Chloe Oliver of Foxworth writes a weekly community column for the Marion County Informer.

By Chloe Oliver

According to the St. Louis Post-Dispatch, scientists are going to study why Ozzy Osbourne is still alive. The rocker who is legendary for his substance abuse, eerie screams, and biting the heads off of doves and bats will have DNA extracted from his blood. The blood will be sent to researchers in Missouri who will sequence his genome. The drug abuse generation is now graying. It seems that scientists want to discover why this  king of consumption has been able to tolerate his diet of drugs and alcohol  for so long. If something unique is discovered in Osbourne, I wonder if Ozzy clones  might ensue because of the study? Frightening.

There is a virtual roster of stars who could qualify for such a study. What about Keith Richards and Courtney Love? Tutankhamen’s  corpse looks better than these two.

Surely, the cost of this study on Osbourne will be expensive. A closer examination might save the time and expense.

Of course, the scientific study is based on the assumption that Osbourne is alive. Think about the clues: He has an odd gait, preference for night, pale skin,and eats the heads off of doves and bats. He  grunts, mumbles and groans  as a substitute for  coherent speech. In my opinion, he might be a vampire or a zombie. He might be kept erect and moving by means of cattle prods and electric shock, metal rods, or formaldehyde. Osbourne may be a better candidate for the “Amazing Creatures” program. Recollections of the movie, “Weekend at Bernie’s” also come to mind.

Even if Osbourne is still alive and not a zombie, he appears to be brain dead. If they try to study his brain, scientists probably won’t find more than a piece or two of cerebral  cortex. Studying his brain would be as fruitless as drilling for oil in a grain silo.

His longevity might be attributed to the fact that he has not had to toil at a regular job like most of us. He gets a lot more time to recuperate from his indulgences.

He  might really be the prince of darkness.

Behind that flat affect, he could be the Energizer Bunny.

On an episode of the television show, “The Simpsons,” Mr. Burns learns that the only reason that he is still alive is because all the diseases in his body are so busy fighting each other that they haven’t gotten around to killing him yet. Could this be the answer to Osbourne’s survival?

Freidrich Neitzsche has an even simpler explanation: “What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.”

Studying his children may yield more scientific evidence. Why has it taken his children a shorter space of time to reach the same state that it has taken Osbourne some 61 years to attain?

At odds with  what most parents believe, psychologists at Glascow Caledonian University in Scotland assert that listening to loud rock music may actually boost brain power. This also could be studied instead of Osbourne’s blood. Just look at what loud music has done for Ozzy.

I wonder if the bat and dove populations are holding nightly prayer services  in  anticipation that a diet of bat and dove heads has not contributed to Osbourne’s well-being? They should keep their talons and webbed fingers crossed.

Instead of scientists, the question of  Ozzy Osbourne’s long survival will probably be better answered by comedians,theologians, late-night talk show hosts, and philosphers.

In the meantime, those scientists should be careful with that extracted blood from Osbourne. I would think that  a few drops would be enough to keep a large herd of rhinos, a pack of wolves, and small school of dolphins stoned for weeks.